We have all been there. The group chat goes quiet. The phone stops ringing. The messages stay on read and no reply arrives. Plans get cancelled more often than actually happen. Suddenly you realise wait a moment. Why am I being treated as a stranger or totally ignored.
It begins to hurt as you realise what is going on.
You did not lose a friend. The truth is you have discovered who your true friends really are.
We Never Lose Friends — We Learn Who the Real Ones Are..
The illusion of numbers
As children it seems easy to makes friends. Whether it is neighbours at home or class mates in school. There were always other children around to play with. Looking around you found others who wanted to do the same thing you did whether it was playing sports or being creative. Just hanging out with each other. This was due to the convenience of living close by or being in the same school and spending so much time together. You all shared experiences and this bonded you.
This continued on into college and work place. As you interacted with the same people day in and day out a bond formed and experiences were shared. Activities were arranged for after work and all was good.
Then life takes over and circumstances change – you move cities, change jobs, go through break ups or face hard times in your life that disrupt the status quo. The convenient friendships fade away. Not because they are horrible people, but because there never really was much holding you together other than the habit or convenience. We never really lose friends we are just moving onto the next chapter.
This is all a part of life.
The litmus test of friendship
There is a saying that states “You meet your real friends in the waiting room of a hospital, not at a party.” When things get tough and life hits you with an illness, loss, failure or heartbreak, that is the time when you find out who your real friends are.
Real friends do not need an invitation to turn up and be there for you in these situations. They reach out to you because they sense the silence or change in your energy. Real friends ask you how you are and if everything is ok. They wait for the answer or when you are able to say what is going on. They allow you the space to collect yourself and just be there.
The people who are there for you in those hard times are the friends who want to be there with you as you have been for them.
Other people who are only there in fair weather moments when there are parties to attend and good times to be shared. They are only companions of habit or convenience, not really there for you but more for themselves.
Quality over quantity for the win
Don’t be afraid of losing the wrong people in your life. It may feel like a loss at first but it is actually a moment of clarity. It may seem like a negative time but it has allowed you to win time to spend with the friends in your life. The people who remain in your life as you are in theirs. A mutual respect is there and a sense of loyalty, trust and shared history is something that is to be cherished.
When you think about it would you rather have a contact list full of names that would not answer you or just a few who would answer the phone at 3am when you need them?
Friendship can be redefined
Our definition of friendship evolves as we grow. As children we had more time on our hands to play and spend time with our friends. As adults our responsibilities have increased and that means less time to just hang out. This means we start to measure the depth of our friendships. We learn over time that
- a real friend treats you the way they want to be treated
- a true friend tells you the truth, even if it is uncomfortable.
- a real friend does not keep the score
- a loyal friend is one who you can trust
- a genuine friend is consistent with their friendship
- an authentic friend celebrates your wins without jealousy.
Letting go without sadness
This is the hard part for some. You do not need to be angry or sad at the people who have drifted away. Most of the time they were not being false they were just being human. They just wants an easy life. Forgiving them does not mean you have to rekindle that connection it just means letting them go.
The connection you had was probably down to a season in your life. You may have grown up in the same neighbourhood or worked together. One of you may have moved on and started new chapters in your life. It is a time to celebrate the time you did enjoy together and acknowledge it for what it was, a season.
Looking at yourself in the mirror
Now with all this being said we as humans also need to look at ourselves in the mirror and acknowledge we may be doing this to other people too. We may have moved on to a new phase in our lives and dropped the contact with certain people as they are not longer part of our current lives. Did we announce it to them? No probably not. You just moved on and never replied to that message they sent or the promise of meeting up again. They did not respond or gave up trying as well. It may have happened at the same time or one of you realised it first and just dropped the contact.
Yes we do it too. Every person has done it and cannot even explain why or sometimes even when it happened.
We never lose friends
If you are reading this and have recently experienced the sting of a friendship fading into the past then stop and take a deep breath, hold it and slowly breathe out. This is not a loss, it is a revelation.
You now have more time on your hands to invest in the people who are with you right now. The true friends who were there when times were tough. Don’t mourn the ones who drifted away.
The ones who are with you are the ones that you have that mutual respect for. Isn’t it nicer to enjoy the company of true and loyal friends who are there for each other, celebrating the good and being there in the bad.
Life is too short. It is time to celebrate the friends in your life.
We Never Lose Friends — We Learn Who the Real Ones Are.
